2 years.
to my dear readers. i do realize i have been absent for quite a while... and to be honest i needed it. every time i sat down to write i would start crying. i know that when you lose someone you love more than every part of your being you will have good days, and bad. lately, they have been bad. you can never control your emotions and i needed to feel them over the last few weeks. i am not sure if it's been hitting me harder lately, or that every year on this day my heart just automatically breaks all over again, or maybe even if that i am just really truly realizing the impact of him being gone. whatever it is, it's been tough on my heart. On August 9, 2009 i had the worst day of my life. 2 years ago we all lost someone that made this place better, brighter, funnier, more loving, more everything. my dad died. even typing that still has a little shock value in the words. i know i will find my way. i know i have been finding it and on occasion and needed to have moments where i am not okay. i know i will move through days, one by one - in shock, in despair, but i will be moving. in one of my favorite books it says, "the days pass, one after the other, and you go along with them - occasionally stunned, and not entirely relieved, to find that you are still alive." i am alive. i am just like any of grieving person... i will have good days and bad and most days i won't know why, but i just need to let myself be. and that's what i have been doing.
two years ago today, my dad died. and yes, i am still and will forever be heart broken but i know i will be moving. he would want that. i want that.
i know some of you have read or if you were at my dad's funeral even heard this but i wanted to share it with some of you today. you see, we threw my dad a surprise 60th birthday party 2 months before his heart stopped. i got to read most of the below to him on that day. and i had his brother read a little different version at his funeral. it reads....
About 2 months ago we threw my dad a surprise 60th birthday party in celebration of his life. He was so surprised and overwhelmed by the amount of people and love that was there that night. The next day he had written me an email saying how it was the best night of his life and how his candle is only going to burn brighter. He also happened to set his own expiration date for 2036. For my dad, that meant he had a heck of a time at his party, and that he knew he would be drinking his gifted wine for quite some time after. Which he was thrilled about none the less. As you could imagine.
I couldn’t find the words to say today because I think everyone in this room knows exactly how I feel about my father. And how deeply sad my family is by this tragedy.
So, I printed out some of what I had said in my speech 2 months ago where I am so happy he got a chance to hear it.
"Dad, you are my very best friend. You are the most amazing father any girl could ask for. Your sense of humor, and your passion for life, has made me strive to be better. I look up to you in so many different ways, and I love you more and more each day.
You have been my rock and my guidance through everything and I can’t thank you enough for supporting me in everything I do. You have always loved me unconditionally even when I made mistakes.
My favorite memories of you of is when I would come home to a noisy house thinking we were throwing a party of some sort, when in reality it was just you rocking out to Elvis Presley on the karaoke machine, with your head set on, all by yourself, when no one else was home.
Or the nights when I was in college and you would tell me & my friends to wake you up when we returned from the bars, eager to cook us the perfect filet when we got back. I have to tell everyone that when we would come back from being out, we’d wake him up, with one eye open and still half asleep he would say is “are we ready to do this or what” … it still gets me every time.
Dad, hands down, you are the greatest man I have ever known. And I promise I am not just saying that because I want to live with you and mom forever– rent free of course. But because you truly are one in a million."
Every person that meets you is instantly drawn to you. Every gathering we go to, you are always the life of the party and have the best stories to tell because you are the big fish. Your love for people is unconditional and infectious. People are better because they know you. I am better for knowing you. You are the love of my life, the light of my everyday existence, and this world will never be the same.
If there’s one thing I do know for sure is that I loved you more than life itself. All I want to do is hug you and tell you how much I love you and how thankful I am that I had you as my dad. There was no bigger bond then the one we shared. And I love you for that. I love you for the way you loved mom and lit up every time you talked about her, or the way you were so proud of Dre and how he turned into such a great man. I love you for telling me every morning in the kitchen before work how much you love me and were so happy to have me home. I’m so glad I got to hug you everyday and tell you how great you were. I know you know how great you were too, because you would always say “I’m kind of a big deal” which always made me laugh, because I knew it really was true. I just want you to tell me it’s going to be okay. Because you would be the one that normally would do so, or say some silly inappropriate joke that would make everything better.
I know you are up there making people laugh, drinking a fine glass of wine, and cooking for god in the heavens. I don’t think they knew what was coming. But how lucky are they to have you.
We miss you so much here but we know you’re always with us in our hearts. And will never forget all the beautiful memories you made for us.
We love you Dad, and if there was one thing you would say right now to everyone is, “there better be some good food at the after party.”
*thank you all from the very bottom of my heart for being there for us in this journey. there is simply not enough words to show my gratitude to you all. every second of every day i think of him, and try my best to live the life he had made possible for me. for my dear readers, my close friends, and especially my beautiful family... i thank you for being there for me. everyday is hard, but especially this day. thank you truly.
