Monday, June 13, 2011


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this one is a little personal today...
last week was my dad's 62nd birthday. i took a personal day on thursday and didn't answer emails, texts, and calls. i needed that. i drove back from San Fransisco after a perfect 3 days there with good friends, and many many laughs. on my drive back i listened to "his music" and bawled my eyes out for the majority of the drive. just me and him for 6 hours. we use to drive for no reason at all, with no destination in mind just laughing and talking about life. i miss those days the most. i'm not ashamed to say i needed a good (hard) cry. For a long time i held in the fact that i was extremely heart broken over the loss of my father. don't get me wrong i am in the best place i have ever been since before the day that changed my life forever. i am living in the moment now more than ever, and truly genuinely happy. really, i am. i even cried to my family about how happy i am with everything in my life, and how i just miss my dad so much. it's a strange feeling being so happy and missing someone more than you can even fathom. i have realized that it gets harder as the days go by. people say it gets easier with time, but for me it's definitely not the case. the older i get, the more i experience, the more lessons i learn, the more i grow.... the more i need him and want him to be around for it all. i have learned how to live the life he would want for me, happy and carefree, and good to the core. the very core of my being. i miss him daily, and i am learning to deal with the fact that will never change. i think about him all the time and how i wish he was here to see how life just keeps getting better. i think of all my friends and family and how lucky they are too. they got to meet him. they got to love the man that has had nothing but love for everyone. how wonderful is that? i don't stress out about the small things for it's a waste of my energy. and i feel sad for the friends whom i thought were friends, but just aren't good people. i am getting better at letting them go. i don't need them in my life and they sure don't make me better. i have been a people pleaser for my entire life, and trying to keep friendships because i want people to love me. i can't do it anymore. and who wants that? people that have hurt my feelings, or lied. i know who are you and no i don't respect you. i am sorry for the harshness, but the goodness i bring you can't take that away from me. my dad taught me that. i have started writing down all the "life lessons" he had taught me... and wishing he was here to continue to love and share all of his wisdom. i know he would be proud. i just know it. i am proud of the woman i am becoming and the person i strive to be. i don't think it's selfish to say that one bit. last weekend was the most beautiful wedding i have ever been to and i was sad that i had to walk away at parts. i love that i am his daughter and will forever be. it's okay to cry and miss him, daily even. it's okay to walk away at the father/daughter dance at weddings because it just will never be easy. it's okay to need a day or two for me and no one else. it's all okay. he would be okay with it too. i guess i just needed his birthday to really sink in the fact that he is gone. but in the end i am going to be okay. he's still guiding me every step of the way. cheers to my father, the man who i try to emulate with every breathe and being in my body. i hope i am half the person you are one day. one can only hope.


Stacey said...

i cant imagine how proud of you he must are such an amazing woman!! love made my night on Saturday. Thanks for thinking of me! xoxo

Jen said...

thank you stacey. means the world. and thinking of you always. xo